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I'm going to keep sharing these stories as long as they're fresh in my mind.
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In the final days of Robin's pregnancy she was growing more and more uncomfortable by the minute. As her husband, it became increasingly difficult to watch her in this state of body and mind. Especially knowing that I was powerless to mitigate her discomforts. On one particular evening, a day or two before Hattie was born, Robin asked me to pray for her.
Like many areas of my life I usually come out of the gates quickly and with little thought, but then as the gravity of my words (or actions) becomes more apparent I slow down and become more thoughtful. This prayer was no different. I don't know exactly how the prayer started, but I came to a place where I wanted to ask the Great Searcher of Human Hearts [1] to send us our child. But I couldn't finish the sentence. It seemed wrong.
Our child, was still being created. Knit together. Fashioned. Who was I to ask the Giver of Life to hurry things up. Even in the midst of my wife's discomfort? I couldn't ask for that.
"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb." Psalm 139:13
I thought of my child - and how, if I already knew him or her I would tell them to enjoy these final moments before their birth. Enjoy the time with their creator. What awaited him or her was a world filled with so many opportunities to be well acquainted with evil and hurt. Take your time getting here little one.
Something miraculous happens in those moments when a child comes into this world. I watched every second of Hattie's birth. I can remember seeing her head, full of hair, for the first time. And as Robin labored to be delivered, Hattie came closer and closer to birth. Her head would appear a little bigger and a little bigger with each contraction. For about 25 minutes I though Hattie's head was about the size of a racket ball. Its all I could see, and I wasn't exactly familiar with how large a newborn's head was supposed to be. So I deduced then and there that she was just really tiny. And, I couldn't figure out why with a head so small she wasn't fitting out. Hattie is a tiny girl, but her head was actually the size of a large grapefruit, not a racket ball. I'll spare the details of what Hattie's head was doing in order to fit out, and why I thought it was so much smaller.
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From the moment Robin asked me if I could confirm what the pregnancy test was revealing that verse above (Psalm 139) never left my mind. I thought of it almost every time I thought of our baby. Jealous at times. Longing for that personal touch from God.
Obviously (and many of our friends and family, as well as any parent, can attest) there have been so many moments over the last 10 days where we have felt so incapable of parenting our little child. Most of the nights since her birth have included a several hour "papa/daughter" session where I try to remind Hattie of how tired she is. And she always persists that she's not tired at all, and the land where she comes from its really 2 in the afternoon, not 2 in the morning.
I often turn to prayer in these hours. And nearly every time I pray. Whether prayer for Hattie, for myself, or Robin, Hattie's demeanor noticeably changes. So many times when I've started to pray Hattie starts to grin, smile and even chuckle (out loud) some times. I know it sounds crazy. I wouldn't believe it myself if it hadn't happened countless times.
Its amazing how intimately Hattie must know the One she has spent the last 9 months being fashioned by. Again, I'm jealous.
Throughout the pregnancy I prayed and asked the God to share with me what he called Hattie, during their time together in the womb. I'm not here to say that she was or was not called Hattie. Only that I know he has a name for my daughter. He knows how to bring a smile to her face.
Eventually things will transition and I'll be the one who brings a smile to her face. First with a tickle on the bottom of her foot. Then through funny stories. Leading to ironic and witty humor. Eventually, as she laughs at how old fashioned her papa is :)
I don't know if these smiles will be the same as those I've seen in these first days. The pureness of them has yet to know pain. The genuiness of them has yet to know cynicism. The joy they represent couldn't possibly be more authentic.
Best part is: they're contagious. I never fail to stop in my tracks and smile too. They are the most beautiful smiles I've ever seen. Photos don't do them justice.
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[1] George Washington used this phrase to refer to our One God. I've loved it ever since I heard it.
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